The Rescuer's Answering Machine

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    Hello: You have reached -_, Tender Hearts Rescue. Due to the
    high volume of calls we have been receiving, please listen closely to
    the following options and choose the one that best describes you or
    your situation:

    Press 1 if you have a 10-year-old dog and your 15-year-old son has
    suddenly become allergic and you need to find the dog a new home
    right away.

    Press 2 if you are moving today and need to immediately place your
    150 pound, 8-year-old dog.

    Press 3 if you have three dogs, had a baby and want to get rid of
    your dogs because you are the only person in the world to have a
    baby and dogs at the same time.

    Press 4 if you just got a brand new puppy and your old dog is having
    problems adjusting so you want to get rid of the old one right away.

    Press 5 if your little puppy has grown up and is no longer small and
    cute and you want to trade it in for a new model.

    Press 6 if you want an unpaid volunteer to come to your home TODAY
    and pick up the dog you no longer want.

    Press 7 if you have been feeding and caring for a "stray" for the
    last three years, are moving and suddenly determine it's not your

    Press 8 if your dog is sick and needs a vet but you need the money
    for your vacation.

    Press 9 if you are elderly and want to adopt a cute puppy who is not
    active and is going to outlive you.

    Press 10 if your relative has died and you don't want to care for
    their elderly dog because it doesn't fit your lifestyle.

    Press 14 if you are calling at 6 a.m. to make sure you wake me up
    before I have to go to work so you can drop a dog off on your way
    to work.

    Press 15 to leave us an anonymous garbled message, letting us know
    you have left a dog in our yard in the middle of January, which is
    in fact, better than just leaving the dog with no message.

    Press 16 if you are going to get angry because we are not going to
    take your dog that you have had for fifteen years, because it is
    not our responsibility.

    Press 17 if you are going to threaten to take your ten year old dog
    to be euthanized because I won't take it.

    Press 18 if you're going to get angry because the volunteers had the
    audacity to go on vacation and leave the dogs in care of a trusted
    volunteer who is not authorized to take your personal pet.

    Press 19 if you want one of our PERFECTLY trained, housebroken, kid
    and cat friendly purebred dogs that we have an abundance of.

    Press 20 if you want us to take your dog that has a slight
    aggression problem, i.e. has only bitten a few people and killed your
    neighbor's cats.

    Press 21 if you have already called once and been told we don't take
    personal surrenders but thought you would get a different person this
    time with a different answer.

    Press 22 if you want us to use space that would go to a stray to
    board your personal dog while you are on vacation, free of charge,
    of course.

    Press 23 if it is Christmas Eve or Easter morning and you want me to
    deliver an eight week old puppy to your house by 6:30 am before
    your kids wake up.

    Press 24 if you have bought your children a duckling, chick or baby
    bunny for Easter and it is now Christmas and no longer cute.

    Press 25 if you want us to take your female dog who has already had
    ten litters, but we can't spay her because she is pregnant again and
    it is against your religion.

    Press 26 if you're lying to make one of our younger volunteers feel
    bad and take your personal pet off your hands.

    Press 27 if your cat is biting and not using the litter box because
    it is declawed, but you are not willing to accept the responsibility
    that the cat's behavior is altered because of your nice furniture.

    Press 28 if your two year old male dog is marking all over your house
    but you just haven't gotten around to having him neutered.

    Press 29 if you previously had an outdoor only dog and are calling
    because she is suddenly pregnant.

    Press 30 if you have done "everything" to housebreak your dog and
    have had no success but you don't want to crate the dog because it
    is cruel.

    Press 31 if you didn't listen to the message asking for an evening
    phone number and you left your work number when all volunteers are
    also working and you are angry because no one called you back.

    Press 32 if you need a puppy immediately and cannot wait because
    today is your daughter's birthday and you forgot when she was born.

    Press 33 if your dog's coat doesn't match your new furniture and you
    need a different color or breed.

    Press 34 if your new love doesn't like your dog and you are too
    stupid to get rid of the new friend (who will dump you in the next
    month anyway) instead of the dog.

    Press 35 if you went through all these 'options' and didn't hear
    enough. This press will connect you to the sounds of tears being
    shed by one of our volunteers who is holding a discarded old dog
    while the vet mercifully frees him from the grief of missing his

  • Hmmm, gets sadder and sadder. I've come across many of these people. It seems the older I get, the more I see that I don't want to see.

  • Houston

    I love/hate/hate it.
    Witty and funny but oh so true…shame, shame shame on humans for thinking this is what God(or Darwin for that matter) wanted us to do with eachother..
    i will have to send that to some of my "friends" so maybe they get what I have been talking about for years..

  • omg I laughed at a few but in the end I cried. Is this just americans? some times I feel shame for us. This is definitly one of those times!!!!!

  • This first time I have read this and so much truth thank you for sharing.

    Rita Jean

  • It makes me mad :mad:

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